Well it’s the New Year. 2011, can you believe it? So far I don’t feel like I’ve done that much. I’m in rehearsals for my next show Meet John Doe, I do data entry during the day, I’m addicted to my Zynga facebook games (I know, I know), I’ve been playing my new xbox kinect (which is actually a fantastic workout!), I’ve discovered the joys of Netflix Instant Queue which has enabled me to get addicted to Battlestar Galactica, I’ve been decompressing from my recent family drama, been hanging with my roommate, AND I’ve been AUDITIONING.

That’s right ladies and gents it’s audition season in Chicago. Unlike New York which has millions of auditions constantly, Chicago has basically two heavy auditioning periods. One is towards the end of summer/early fall and the other is right after the holidays. This is the time of year when all the auditions start rolling in and everyone starts going batshit crazy.

I am not exempt from this lunacy. I usually work myself into a tizzy, psych myself out, and do not perform to my potential. I hate that word. I’ve heard it my whole life. “Harmony is not living up to her potential.” I got this on every report card even when my grades were good!!! People have always expected a lot out of me. I know that I should take it as a compliment, and I absolutely do to an extent. On the other hand, it’s a LOT of pressure. This is not a race for me. This is a life. I don’t want fame and fortune. I want a life in the Theatre. I want a life of creative fulfillment. It’s a journey and I’m not perfect. I’m learning. That’s why I do this. I’m constantly learning. If I ever stop learning then I’ll quit Theatre and go run a bed and breakfast somewhere beautiful or live by the ocean and pickle my own vegetables.

That’s not to say that I don’t have drive, I absolutely do. I’m an extremely determined person with passion to spare, but I put so much pressure on myself. I make myself nuts. I feel like I have to audition for everything even if I have a bad feeling about it or have no interest in the project. It’s this NEED to have work and to constantly do well and constantly impress people so that they might want to use me in the future. It’s having all your friends in the business and constantly falling into the trap of comparing yourself to them. It’s watching some people skyrocket in their careers instantly, some climb slowly, and some that don’t really go anywhere.

What is my point in all of this? It’s a similar theme. I’ve written about it before. I’m taking control. I will no longer audition for projects that aren’t right for me or that don’t interest me. Why would I?!? It’s insanity. Our compulsion to do this defies common sense. I mean I have two shows booked and a possible summer activity (which I’ll tell you about soon!!), and yet I’m just as anxious and stressed out about filling the couple of free months I have here and the couple of free months I have there with shows as I would be if I had nothing lined up. It’s madness and it ends now. I’m going to trust my gut more. My gut knows what’s right and what isn’t. There are some projects and opportunities coming up in the next couple of weeks that make my gut rumble with anticipation and excitement. That’s what I want to feel about a project. I want to truly believe in it and myself in it.

Of course once I go Equity my tune might change a bit. At that point you’re competing for jobs that might actually come close to paying your bills. But with Non-Equity, let’s face it, you aren’t coming even close to a living wage. A lot of times you end up paying more for travel and food than you make in your stipend or $20 a show (if you’re LUCKY). I’m not knocking this system, well I guess I AM, but if I’m going to invest that much time, energy, and money into something I want my gut to rumble a bit. I want my soul to soar. Is that asking too much? I don’t think so. I hope not.

So that’s my actor psycho babble for the evening. If you made it this far down, I apologize. LOL

AND PLEASE DON’T LET AUDITION SEASON MAKE YOU CRAZY

(Dedicated to all my friends right now )