So I get a lot of messages asking me questions or making comments on my blog. One of the most common observations is that I seem to always have a positive outlook. I would like to state for the record that this is not true. I have negative thoughts and feelings just like everyone else ALL THE TIME. I do, however, try to stay positive on my blog. It doesn’t help anyone including myself to dwell on bad experiences or bitch about auditions or things not being fair. Sometimes I’ll dip my toe in the bitter pool, but I try to take it out as soon as I can.
This business can be rewarding and inspiring and uplifting and it can also SUCK. It can SUCK hardcore. It can make you feel worthless and untalented and old and unattractive. The thing is, I like this to be a suck-free zone (okay that just sounds gross). Anyway, you get my point. I like this to be a place that I can come to to lift me up and that’s why I keep the Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farms kind of attitude, or try to.
But for those who would like to see the misery. Misery does love company doesn’t it? Here is something I wrote almost exactly two years ago. I was about to turn 30 and wasn’t handling it all that well. DAMN IT! I gave my age away again. Anyway, sometimes it’s good to revisit dark times, it makes us so thankful for lighter and happier times. I am pretty happy right now, but I know that what goes up always comes down. What goes down doesn’t necessarily go up, so we have to learn to bounce. I’m showing you this window into my personal life to prove a point. We all have times like these, and we all can crawl out of them. If you’re down right now…bounce my lovelies….just BOUNCE!
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09/2008
Milestones. That’s what they call it. What is it about milestones that make you stop and evaluate your life, rather harshly, at times. Things that were fine before are suddenly being examined more closely. It’s like a reality check that you’ve suppressed or tried to disguise as something else.
You look around and there are certain parts of your life that you realize are not okay. Certain things become almost unbearable. A job, the place you live, someone in your life, etc. It’s almost crippling. I’ve been trying to break out of this awful self examination for three weeks. It’s not working. I’m sure it doesn’t help that I’ve been extremely sick and that I’m literally starving right now. A starving artist . How freaking poetic. I have one salad and one bagel in my stomach for the last three days. The job that was feeding me is no more. My car is gone. I’m almost out of money.
The funny thing is I’m doing fabulously theater-wise. Even the second callback I had this morning at 10 am went amazingly well. The behind the scenes view was me in the bathroom ten minutes before layering gobs of concealer under my eyes, shimmer powder on my face, and every trick I know so they wouldn’t know that I was malnournished, sick, and sad. I had them fooled. I’m a very good actress. Hysterical.
There are people that are broke and lonely but have people taking care of them, always bailing them out of binds, buying them things, escaping from their life. Then there is ACTUALLY being broke and lonely. It’s two very different things.
I’ve been through and accomplished so much in my life…shouldn’t I be further along by now? I don’t know what to do to get out of debt. I don’t. Even working my tail off I barely make enough to pay rent. I would move to a cheaper place but I have close to a year left on this lease. I’m just plain miserable right now. I don’t want to be. I don’t get off on it or anything. I know that this is the life that I chose. There is pride and honor in that. I’m a working actress. There is pride and honor in that too. I just need more than that. I do. Who knew? My career has always been the most important thing to me and it’s just assumed that if you are doing well in your career that you must be happy. I couldn’t be more unhappy right now. Well that isn’t true. There haven’t been any casualties or anything (knock on wood).
The point is that I feel trapped in this way of life that I’ve imprisoned myself in and I don’t know how to escape from it. It’s not okay to live in squalor, it’s not okay to not be able to pay your own bills, it’s not okay to be taken advantage of, it’s not okay to be completely dependable and not have anyone to depend on. These things are not okay. I’m just so sad right now. I wish I could snap out of it. I really do.
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Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand back to Happy! Woohoo! I hope I haven’t scared you away completely. Bounce my lovelies!!!!
Love and Insanity,
Harmony
